Ordering a New Head

Ever had a migraine? They are such lovely things.

One minute I am talking on the phone and getting ready to do something and the next?  My vision "splits", I can't focus on anything, and I am down for the count. Ice bags, ice water, dark room, no sound, curled in a fetal position and screaming to my head to just go away. Not just the pounding pain but the whole head. JUST LEAVE!

Today I was lucky. I was able to sleep.

Most times I can not. Most times my body will not stay still long enough for me to shut down. Most times, I am a silent, walking zombie who complains about light and noise or just the head. God, do I hate my head.

For those of you who have never had this joyous thing happen to you, think of it this way...An atom of heat and fury travels in a minute portion of a second through your head and disrupts your brains ability to organize things. Because it is so small it does not affect all of your brain, just that little portion that lives in your head.

Now, with the little particles that enter my head, there is a special vengeance. They are a bit pissed.

They started coming into my head when I was four. FOUR!?!?! Yup, four.

Back then, and through most of my childhood, they came, I went to sleep and they left. (I found out latter that another brain altering substance was used to chase wakefulness and the particles away--phenobarbital! Yup, I was on drugs at the age of four...)

Through the years I went to various hospitals and clinics for testing. I was always told that I would grow out of them. My brother did (or so he says) but my mother did not. Neither did her father. So much for family togetherness and medical science.

Now there were periods when the little particles were banished.  But then they decided to take new routes.

They started by messing with my vision. I call it "split vision". It is not something that you see, it is what you DON'T see. For example, if I was looking at you straight in the face I could see both your eyes but not your nose. If I tried to look at your nose I would see it but not the middle of your nose. If I turn my head the same phenomenon occurs. Always the middle of the sight line but not clearly defined. It is and was always a vague area.

Then the particles decided to morph again. They went to streaks of numbness in my right hand and arm. A bit of numbness on the right side of my tongue. And the real kicker---saying my words out of order and me not being aware of it! (Did that one right in the middle of an opening argument in a murder case! That was a lot of fun...)

When I started doing major felony trials the little particles really decided to ramp up their efforts. I would be unable to see at all. Not pass out, just not be able to see. I would shake uncontrollably. I wouldn't be able to hear clearly. (I actually walked right into a wall in a courtroom. Couldn't see the damn thing!) And their little joke was that there was no headache. No pain. Just an inability to perceive, concentrate or communicate normally.

To say that I thought I was having strokes would be an understatement.

So back to the medical profession. No strokes. I have calcification "spots" on my brain that are now known to be peculiar to migraine sufferers. But they do not signify stokes or brain bleeds or anything else that modern medicine can define. (Since I was FOUR! Spots on my brain for nearly 60 years! What?)

It got to where when I was scheduled for a trial I would advise the judge and the DA that they could expect me to have a migraine at some point in that trial. If it got to where it interfered with my representing my client, I would let them all know. I always advised my clients.

(I had one judge in Bakersfield ask me if I had been cured. Idiot.)

In the last year, I went back to the medical profession because the migraines had morphed again. This time it was vertigo. The whole world was moving at one speed and my brain was perceiving it a much slower speed. It felt like my brain was physically swimming in my skull.

Neurologist number god-knows-how-many tried a lot of things. All medications and all with horrible side effects. The final determination-----must be stress.

So after a lot of thought and a lot of research, I added that to my list of pros for retiring. And I did.

And since June first I haven't had a bad migraine. Little ones that I classifiy as "gee, I have a headache". Those call for a couple of Motrin.

But today. Today those little bastards found my head again. And they used old fashioned tactics. Head splitting pain. Desperate desire to get prone. Acute sensitivity to light and sound. Did I mention A HEADACHE! A MAJOR FREEKIN' HEADACHE!!!

It ain't stress...
I am ordering a new head........