CAN WE TALK??????

I have been asked to join a friend on a small ship cruise of the Mediterranean. From Barcelona to Rome with 2 extra days in each city. Here is the website. Take a peek and tell me that this is NOT a jeans and sweatshirt kinda thing.

http://www.windstarcruises.com/cruise/mediterranean/glitter-and-glam-of-the-rivieras/?id=110&sid=1143

Now, mind you, it took me less than 2 seconds to scream "Yessss!" I clearly did not take the time to consider that I might need something other than jeans, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt or two. 
But now I am.
And I have a problem.
I may need a ----oh, god, no-----a dress..........

AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not particularly like dresses but on some occasions I have been seen in one. And I certainly have not tried to buy one of late.

The problem is not so much that I don't like dresses but, well, uh, er,....
I have "grown" since I last shopped for such a thing. 

You see I use to be tall and rather slender. Not skinny but I was built a little like a stick. I could wear almost anything and look decent in it. By that I mean skirt, dresses, pants. There wasn't much to show off and very little to hide.

Hell, when a client complained that I had "flaunted my cleavage at him" my employer teased me (back in the day when sexual harassment was an unknown issue) that the claim would fail as "there were facts not in evidence"!

It was easy to shop for clothes.

But now that I am "mature" the letter X has entered my shopping vocabulary.

Which is why the mere thought of a dress is distressing.

I have looked in every catalog. Been to every on-line site that carries my size. The dresses are stylish. But they are mostly just a bigger size of the one made for the young and the thin. 

I use to wear horizontal stripes and not think about it. But a dress with horizontal stripes from top to bottom on an X size woman who carries the proof of age like a 45 year old man who is still drinking too much beer? No no no no no no no no!  NO!

I refuse to LOOK like the keg of beer he drank last night!

Then there are the "chiffon" dresses. Flowing, light little things with SPANDEX at the hip! WTF?????

Or the sheath dress with darts down the front. Now "they" want me to look like a pregnant whale!

You see, while my waist has grown, my upstairs accoutrements have not kept pace. My client may win that claim of his, but not by much. Besides, I would have to raise those things up from my knees to make that work.

It is possible, I believe to be stylish without flaunting my physical failings. I know lots of women who can do that. They are large and MAGNIFICENT!

So, to the manufacturers of women's clothing. PLLLLEEEEAASE! Just try to use the laws of form and function in your designs. It isn't difficult. Large women don't look like smaller women. They don't wear the same things. They are proud of their size (it IS a sign of maturity). Dress them nicely and appropriately. 

Anyway, I am back to looking at dressy pants in hopes that there is a lenient dress code on board. If not, I just might have to sue them.

Hehehehehehe!