I see the picture above and my feelings are so mixed.
I miss her.
But I don't miss the addictions. I don't miss stopping at the door when I came home from school, taking the deep breath, wondering what I would find on the other side of that door.
Some days it was wonderful. She was having a good day and projects abounded. Or she was working and the house was quiet.
Other days...well, they might be quiet because she was "asleep". She might be asleep because she had a migraine (very true and she suffered with them) or because of alcohol or pills. Both used (to start with) because of the migraines or because of her "surgically repaired" back.
If I sound a bit harsh, I find that I remain a bit angry. Not at her. At the culture that put her in an untenable position. Whatever abilities she had to face the world began to erode when doctors gave her cigarettes (to calm her "nerves") and pain meds for her back.
I bring this up today because I happened to mention today's significance to my daughter. And her question to me was "did you and your mom ever talk like we do?"
I had to answer in the negative.
Do not misunderstand me. Mom and I had some GREAT fun.
There are probably still red feathers at the cabin from the making of my Lindsay Cardinal outfit. (Feathers, glue gun, and a jumpsuit--hysterical!)
|Lindsay Cardinal Mascot - 1968|
And there were a lot of those times.
But we did not talk about "things".
When I talk to my daughter, I am so grateful that we CAN talk to each other. I am thankful that we share and grow with and through each other.
And I remember Mom and I thank her. I thank her for doing the very best that she could.